apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
