Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Randomize
