whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
