I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
There are leaves in my underwear?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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