I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize