My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
