There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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