i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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