I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
