I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Semen is not good for contacts.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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