we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
