talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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