Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
