So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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