we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My vagina is officially offended.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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