I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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