Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
