I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
