i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
