Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
