Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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