I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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