You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
The ass gains better be worth it
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