my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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