I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
