Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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