I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
