I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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