are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
