Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
This beer is not sobering me up at all
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
