we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
