dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My feet surprised me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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