Come see our sink grown plant.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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