She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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