Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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