3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
