I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
