That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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