some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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