you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize