she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
