Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
