i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
