if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
