this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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