Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
