Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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