i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
