she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize