Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Boobs speak an international language.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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