I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
