i think my mom watched the whole time
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
