you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
