There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
