Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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