lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
